Today, I just miss it.
I think that the last few months are finally catching up with me. All that preparation, saying goodbye (with no time to be upset or think about how much you will miss them), getting ready for a new life. But actually, it’s not really a new life. It is a life I am returning to. A life that last time just did not work for me. Yet, here I am.
Maybe the father in law detected something in me the other day. Maybe he could see that my positive, upbeat attitude was going to come crashing down. Or maybe, it is the other way around – perhaps his slightly reserved attitude (I won’t class it as negativity) has affected me, albeit at an unconscious level. Perhaps it started wheels turning in my brain that if he could see potential difficulties on the horizon, then I maybe should too?
I don’t know. All I do know is that things have been tough today.
If I could pick up my entire life in England and transport it here, I would do so in a heartbeat. I have always been a “True Brit”. I feel comfortable in England, understand its ways and I have always been proud to be, and call myself, British. There really has never been any other place like home for me. But the UK is changing and not for the good. There is tension, disquiet, dissatisfaction. The people are not happy. I genuinely and unequivocally felt that my children would have a better life in Sweden and I do (and always will) stand by that.
Sometimes, other people’s priorities come before your own. When I had my children, I was surprised to discover that the selfish, set in her ways, wanting to be totally in control (at all times) woman in her late 30’s could care about someone more than herself (no kidding about though, it was no bowl of cherries). My love for my children is unconditional and knows no bounds (clichéd, been said before, but so true). So, moving to a country you haven’t always seen eye to eye with is no great shakes, not in the grand scheme of things, surely?
I guess the flip side of the coin is that my kids would be happy wherever I am happy. If I am miserable, then that will undoubtedly effect them? I’ve considered this. The crux of it is, that I don’t ever intend to be miserable. All I need to do is to accept that days like this will come. I just need to work through it and always be mindful of why we returned.
Oh, and remember to watch Corrie on my laptop.