Our house is not a happy house right now.
My kids are being naughty, which is usually a sign of something bothering them and I just feel flat. And my saviour in all this admitted today that maybe the grass had been greener when viewing his homeland all the way from the UK.
This was something I didn’t want to hear today. I wanted him to blow all of my fears out of the water. Tell me that all of this was most definitely the right decision. I did not expect him to say that.
He backtracked though and told me that he didn’t mean it that way. And what way would that be? That he wasn’t as happy as I thought he was? That he wished he’d stayed in the UK? That the grotty bits we had both naively ignored were going to prove unconquerable?
This funk I am in has come out of nowhere and I am struggling with it. I do not suffer with depression but I do get down days (as most of us do, I am sure). But this I can’t shake. I feel heavy and lethargic and worried. Mostly worried. This can not go wrong. Too much has been invested and way too much is at stake.
My kids start school on Tuesday and I am hoping that it will kick start all of us. I know my boys are bored and I am also aware that my eldest is very worried about starting school. He’s at a difficult age as it is and he had a lot of problems (none of them his fault) in his school in England. I worry about him.
I know enough about myself to realise that I am very stressed. I remember going to the doctor quite a few years ago with unexplained symptoms – persistent head and stomach aches and other minor ailments. The doctor said he thought I might be stressed. Oh, no, I said. I’m not stressed. He looked at me and asked what I’d been up to recently. I told him that in the space of a few weeks I had lost my beloved job of 6 years (under terrible circumstances), moved to another country and began co-habiting with H. He gave me a know-it-all, I-am-right kind of smile and said, yes, you’re stressed. I still vigorously denied it. How could I be stressed, I didn’t feel stressed. His reply was that I might not feel stressed, but my body was trying to tell me that I was.
So, I understand that what I am feeling right now is stress at a pretty prolific level. And, I know that this is understandable. Don’t they say that moving home is the most stressful thing you can ever do? Add to that, moving to another country, giving up your job and friends, renting your house out in the UK because you can’t sell it and so on and so forth.
As I sit by myself, contemplating my words, I feel a slight shift. I smile to myself. This is going to be okay. I need to weather the storm like I always do. Look to the future and again, count my blessings. I am very fortunate to even have this opportunity and I am grateful. Truly grateful.